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Utah Liquor Authority Now Thinking About Requiring Permits To Drink At Home Corey O'Brien |
05/30/2014 | Filed In: Satire | Beer | Joke. Wine | Liquor | Utah | Laws | Snowbird | Oktoberfest

Utah Liquor Authority Now Thinking About Requiring Permits To Drink At Home

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In a bold move, after stating Snowbird's Oktoberfest celebration may not receive a permit to serve beer or wine, USLA or Utah State Liquor Authority representative, Mr. Behr Mehbrow, said the state may begin to looking into issuing permits for people who plan on having more than one person as a guest in their private residence while serving alcohol. Mr. Mehbrow said, "We aren't quite certain what state law defines as an event." He went on,"Utah has a fine tradition of confusion with these kinda [sic] things and it has served us, as a state, quite well in the past when you can't get served. I see no reason to not stay the course with our current proposals. If you are hosting friends or family at your residence for so much as a 'Mr. Belvedere' binge watching session on Netflix, in the state's eyes, you are hosting an event and should be held to the letter of the law."

Opponents of the measure argue privacy rights though their arguments weren't very comprehensible at the time this publication's inquiry, "Sup, Bro? Why do you have a notepad and pen out? Bro? Let's get blahhhhhh..." 

More sober opponents are worried that religious events such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Super Bowl Sunday, birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitvazhs, Cinco De Mayo, Boxing Day, National Secretary Appreciation Day, your dad's birthday, Mother's Day and Thursday through Saturday nights may be affected. The Americans Served Citizen's Union spokesperson, Justin Aboutfiveoclocksomewhere, responded, "It is a serious problem when ordinary citizens can't celebrate in their own homes without the government stepping in. What's next? Photoshopping slacks and sleeves onto the Jazz Bear?"

Several national and local alcohol distributors, all asking to remain anonymous, provided the exact same statement: "That's some ol' bulls*@t!"

No doubt homeowners, renters, squatters and others who like to have wine tastings, whiskey pairings and a few brews with the homies while enjoying HBO on a Sunday night will take issue with the state's new alcohol policies. Many have even thought about turning their homes into private clubs and a surge in non-profit status applications have quadrupled in counties from Cache to Garfield.  Also, a petition is already making the rounds online, which can be found here.

Utah residents may have to take this issue up at the polls next election season.


Comments:

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emartin197 on 06/01/2014 @ 9:39 PM wrote:

watch out for barmitzvas. what happens if I rent? what happens if i statistically have 1.5 people over? just saying...

TheCatHad on 06/01/2014 @ 9:18 AM wrote:

Satire. The very first tag is "Satire". That means it's a joke, folks.

AprilS on 06/01/2014 @ 8:37 AM wrote:

It sucks that they're doing this over Oktoberfest and many other local event, but I can kind of understand, they are PUBLIC. But, making me get a permit for my birthday or family gatherings such as Christmas, is going to far. They are PRIVATE gatherings, not PUBLIC events. Are we going to have the police go door to door on every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Father's Day, ect. to make sure that my family and friends have a permit for their PRIVATE celebrations? It does show that nothing is private anymore.

Mickbeaver on 06/01/2014 @ 6:46 AM wrote:

The fact these bozos are even contemplating this reinforces Utah's national recognition as the state with the highest rate of mental illness. Don't they know that if you can lay on the floor without holding on, you're not drunk?

Charlie B on 05/30/2014 @ 9:48 PM wrote:

Are we going to be required to have a temple recommend before we can purchase alcohol too?

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