A quick lesson in things that you can, and can't buy in America. For the most part, things you are, and are not allowed to buy in The U.S. are pretty self-explanatory, and even make good sense. I can't buy a kidney. Or a child. That much is pretty obvious. But what about the other things that don't make all that much sense? I have found a few items that I would LIKE to buy, but can't because somebody somewhere has deemed them too dangerous. So I made a list, and compared that to a list of things that are 1000x times MORE dangerous, yet I can buy no problem. Feel free to add your own ideas. CAN'T: LAWN DARTS! Or "Jarts"
Back in the 70's and 80's toys were made of an extremely durable material called "metal". This not only helped to make your toys last longer, but also made them a LOT more fun to throw at other kids. Somebody had the idea to take a sharpened hunk of metal, attached some fins to them, and sent those sumbitches airborne. What could go wrong?! It's not like kids are going to lob those bad boys like SCUDs into a neighbor’s yard or anything right? Well, actually yeah. That's exactly what we did. My cousins had a set, and for us they were more like "fence darts".
That fence was a commie, man. In the 80's we fought commies. And ninjas.
According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, there were over 6000 serious injuries reported and one confirmed death, of which 81% were under the age of 15. So yeah, let's not make those any more. Good call. But here’s the weird part. Not only are they illegal to sell. And illegal to bring into the country, but they are illegal to POSSESS. You can't even HAVE them. I'm guessing the founding fathers did not have the time to include "poorly thought out yard games" in their list of priorities, otherwise we would have that in the constitution. Which brings me to CAN: An AR-15!
First off, I swear the first person that tries to turn this blog into a gun debate is going to get a Lawn Dart to the junk. BUT, yes it IS a little odd that it's easier for me to get an AR-15 than a functioning set of Lawn Darts. But as the official X96 "Right Wing Gun Nut" I can attest to how easy it is to buy a firearm. I bought my AR online on a website called gunbroker.com, which is like eBay for guns. That's not a joke. There is an eBay for guns, and it's awesome!
That fence is in SERIOUS trouble.
And while it was perfectly safe, and I had to have it shipped to a local gun store so that all the background info could be done, it's still true that I bought a very sophisticated weapon on the internet from what most people by now are picturing as a cartoon villain. CAN'T: KINDER EGGS.
Kinder Eggs are neat. They're small chocolate eggs containing smaller plastic choking hazards masquerading as toys. I don't know of any child that is able to swallow an entire egg whole, but as a new dad I can promise you that kids will figure out how to put an entire cat in their mouth in the 5 seconds it takes you to realize that your cat is missing. The law keeping us safe from Kinder Egg terrorism actually pre-dates their invention by about 30 years, dating back to a time that according to HBO's Boardwalk Empire was full of sex and death. I don't have the law in front of me, but it sums up as "hey don't put stuff in our food".
Turns out most things involving "choking" were discouraged.. Get it?
I actually had no idea what these were until a saw a news story a couple of years ago about a guy threatened with $10,000 in fines and jail time for bringing a handful of Kinder Eggs into the US from Canada. So while it's perfectly legal for a guy who played "fence darts" as a kid to buy an AR-15 on the internet, it's OUT OF THE QUESTION to bring a Kinder Egg into the country. Which is funny because one of my favorite things to do WITH my AR-15 is shoot something called "Tannerite" CAN: Tannerite!
Tannerite is actually a brand name for an "exploding target". Basically fertilizer and aluminum that when mixed with a shot from a rifle makes a huge mess out of anything that happens to be near by. Never heard of it? Check out what it can do to a car. So yeah obviously there are some restrictions that come with this one, but for the most part, and especially here in Utah, it's legal to buy year round, and legal to make ka-blooey noises. You can literally go into a sporting goods store and buy a jar of this stuff for about what it would cost to eat some Taco Bell. You might even get the same results.
You’ll want to make some delicious brownies.
CAN’T: Advil Cold and Sinus.
Alright, so a bit of a stretch. Of course it’s not actually a CAN’T. But thanks to a little thing called meth it’s a serious pain in the ass to get. I have to give the cashier my drivers license, which means I have to take it out of the little window thing in my wallet. I hate doing that… You know what I can buy WITHOUT a drivers license?
Yeah man. The one tool that is almost as synonymous with murder and dismemberment as it is for its intended use. Think about it. Have you ever been chased out of a local haunted house with a box of Sudafed? No. BUT I can go into a Home Depot right now and pay 50 bucks cash for a chainsaw without so much as a “hello” before I’m out dismembering a clown that I have in the trunk of my car. I’m also pretty sure it’s against the law to have a clown in the trunk of your car. I’ll have to check into that.
We’ve been hearing for YEARS now “oh yeah, there’s a new Tool album coming”. Literally, YEARS. Which is almost long enough for me to have played “10,000 Days” from start to finish.
Wait, which one of these is about Prison Sex?
The members of Tool are now opening up and explain that some legal issues have added to the delay, and are mostly to blame for the gap between albums. Maynard and Co. tell the assholes at "Rolling Stone" that for the past seven years, they've been dealing with a series of lawsuits and countersuits. This hullabaloo started when a friend of guitar man Adam Jones wanted credit for artwork he claimed he gave the band. Tool's insurance company then sued the band "over technicalities" in the case, then Tool said “NUH UH” and responded with a countersuit.
Wait, did he call the people from Rolling Stone assholes?
This specific case is set to go to trial in January, but Jones says these legal issues have had an impact on the band members' relationships with each other, and adds that it's "hard to be creative when you have something awful nagging at you."
Still, Tool has found time to work on new material for the follow-up to the band's 2006 effort "10,000 Days." Drummer Danny Carey says they hope to have "something really solid" recorded by the end of the year, but he admits he said the same thing last year.
I suppose we'll wait and see!
Ok, yeah that was my fault.. Here's the story. I saw the news today that Jack White had added tour dates to his "Lazaretto" tour, and I got all bummed that I didnt see a Utah date on there. So I started wrting a post which would include my amazing MSPaint skillz for my blog. As I'm writing and MSPainting away, I see the following under tour dates "--Oct. 10 -- Salt Lake City, UT (The Depot)--" Holy S***! How did I miss that? I was excited, and then pissed that I'd have to re-write my entire post, and then excited again. Apearantly I'm still learning how computers work...
How do I cook a Hot Pocket in this thing?
Turns out, what I saw was the tour schedule for Canada's favorite indie band "The New Pornographers". They have a new album out on August 26th, and WILL in fact be at The Depot on October 10th. the page had scrolled up while I was feverishly painting Jack White's amazing cheek bones. So my bad if I got your hopes up. As of right this second, there are no plans for a SLC stop for Jack White. Which is sad, because I think he and I would have had a great time shopping for hats.
Suck it, Smith! I already bought the last one.
Jack White IS adding a few more stops to this tour, whic now includes a two-night stand in Seattle, a show at Colorado's Red Rocks Amphitheater, and a tour-wrapping set at the Bleacher Theater at Boston's Fenway Park. The one thing I DID get right was the two night stay in Detroit. What the Hell dude? DETROIT?! Over SLC?!! Where's the math on that one. I demand a re-count.
Anyways, sorry for getting your hopes up. I'll spend the next hour or two trying to figure out how to blame it on Ritchie T.
OH! And just in case you're wondering.. Here are the official dates for The Lazaretto Tour:
6/11 - Los Angeles, CA @ The Mayan 6/12 - Pomona, CA @ Fox Theater 6/14 - Manchester, TN @ Bonaroo Music and Arts Festival 6/25-29 - Pilton, UK @ Glastonbury Music Festival 6/26 - Dublin, IE @ Royal Hospital Kilmainham 6/29 - Paris, FR @ L'Olympia 6/30 - Paris, FR @ L'Olympia 7/01 - Amsterdam, NL @ Heineken Music Hall 7/03 - London, UK @ Eventim Apollo 7/04 - Gdynia, PL @ Open'er Festival 7/19 - Louisville, KY @ Forecastle Festival 7/20 - St. Louis, MO @ Fox Theatre 7/21 - Milwaukee, WI @ Eagles Ballroom 7/23 - Chicago, IL @ Chicago Theatre 7/24 - Chicago, IL @ Auditorium Theatre 7/26 - Newport, RI @ Newport Folk Festival 7/27 - Pittsburgh, PA @ Stage AE Outdoors 7/28 - Detroit, MI @ Fox Theatre 7/30 - Detroit, MI @ Masonic Temple Theatre 7/31 - Toronto, ON @ Air Canada Centre 8/01-03 - Montreal, QC @ Osheaga Music & Arts Festival 8/18 - Kansas City, MO @ Midland Theatre 8/20 - Morrison, CO @ Red Rocks Ampitheater 8/23 - San Francisco, CA @ Bill Graham Civic Auditorium 8/25 - Seattle, WA @ Paramount Theater 8/26 - Seattle, WA @ Paramount Theater 8/28 - Vancouver, BC @ Deer Lake Park 8/29-31 - Edmonton, AB @ Sonic Boom 8/30-31 - Calgary, AB @ X-Fest 9/14 - Columbia, MD @ Merriweather Post Pavilion 9/17 - Boston, MA @ The Bleacher Theater at Fenway Park
***This post is NFSW (Not safe for work)
Everyone loves a bike ride with your shirt off and the wind pushing past you as the scenery passes by at your own pace. How about a ride with your pants off, or without your bra or panties or boxers. Some people like it better when they can drop trouser and get a tan where the sun doesn't usually shine. Salt Lake might have been celebrating acceptance and showing a little more flesh than usual, but were certainly not the showiest city in the country.
While we celebrated Pride this weekend Portland was one-upping the freak flag flying. Thousands took part in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. While some people staked their claim for prime gawking privileges, others took to their bikes with private parts freed for all the world to lay eyes upon. However, like many naked activities people participate in, just because people are naked doesn't mean you'll want to look.
Why do they do this? According the official site, the ride, "highlights the vulnerability of cyclists everywhere and decries society’s dependence on pollution-based transport. It’s also a lot of fun and it’s free for all!"
(Note: the following link shows NAKED PEOPLE riding bicycles. If you are sensitive or offended by such material or you're at work don't click the link). That stated, for the voyeurs out there here's where you can go look at the bold, the sometimes beautiful and their bicycles protest naked at 10 MPH for you gas guzzling, world-hating, clothes-lovers via Bike Portland.org's Flickr account.
If you are visiting Seattle June 21st you can see the Freemont Solistice Parade where thousands more go naked, painted or au natural on their bicycles to welcome in warmer climates. For info on that click here.
Of course standard iconography like snow, Mormons, Imagine Dragons and Fry Sauce made the list but we had no idea our playlist and Radio From Hell would be included by Movoto, a real estate site, would name X96 as one of 25 reasons to move to Salt Lake City. "The 'Radio From Hell' morning show is a healing salve for commuters, and the “Boners of the Day” segment features people who make you feel like a genius."
Fact is, no one would know who the hell we were if it weren't for those who listen and support the station, RFH and the music.
Check out the full list here.
|Next Page||Last Page|