A quick lesson in things that you can, and can't buy in America. For the most part, things you are, and are not allowed to buy in The U.S. are pretty self-explanatory, and even make good sense. I can't buy a kidney. Or a child. That much is pretty obvious. But what about the other things that don't make all that much sense? I have found a few items that I would LIKE to buy, but can't because somebody somewhere has deemed them too dangerous. So I made a list, and compared that to a list of things that are 1000x times MORE dangerous, yet I can buy no problem. Feel free to add your own ideas. CAN'T: LAWN DARTS! Or "Jarts"
Back in the 70's and 80's toys were made of an extremely durable material called "metal". This not only helped to make your toys last longer, but also made them a LOT more fun to throw at other kids. Somebody had the idea to take a sharpened hunk of metal, attached some fins to them, and sent those sumbitches airborne. What could go wrong?! It's not like kids are going to lob those bad boys like SCUDs into a neighbor’s yard or anything right? Well, actually yeah. That's exactly what we did. My cousins had a set, and for us they were more like "fence darts".
That fence was a commie, man. In the 80's we fought commies. And ninjas.
According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, there were over 6000 serious injuries reported and one confirmed death, of which 81% were under the age of 15. So yeah, let's not make those any more. Good call. But here’s the weird part. Not only are they illegal to sell. And illegal to bring into the country, but they are illegal to POSSESS. You can't even HAVE them. I'm guessing the founding fathers did not have the time to include "poorly thought out yard games" in their list of priorities, otherwise we would have that in the constitution. Which brings me to CAN: An AR-15!
First off, I swear the first person that tries to turn this blog into a gun debate is going to get a Lawn Dart to the junk. BUT, yes it IS a little odd that it's easier for me to get an AR-15 than a functioning set of Lawn Darts. But as the official X96 "Right Wing Gun Nut" I can attest to how easy it is to buy a firearm. I bought my AR online on a website called gunbroker.com, which is like eBay for guns. That's not a joke. There is an eBay for guns, and it's awesome!
That fence is in SERIOUS trouble.
And while it was perfectly safe, and I had to have it shipped to a local gun store so that all the background info could be done, it's still true that I bought a very sophisticated weapon on the internet from what most people by now are picturing as a cartoon villain. CAN'T: KINDER EGGS.
Kinder Eggs are neat. They're small chocolate eggs containing smaller plastic choking hazards masquerading as toys. I don't know of any child that is able to swallow an entire egg whole, but as a new dad I can promise you that kids will figure out how to put an entire cat in their mouth in the 5 seconds it takes you to realize that your cat is missing. The law keeping us safe from Kinder Egg terrorism actually pre-dates their invention by about 30 years, dating back to a time that according to HBO's Boardwalk Empire was full of sex and death. I don't have the law in front of me, but it sums up as "hey don't put stuff in our food".
Turns out most things involving "choking" were discouraged.. Get it?
I actually had no idea what these were until a saw a news story a couple of years ago about a guy threatened with $10,000 in fines and jail time for bringing a handful of Kinder Eggs into the US from Canada. So while it's perfectly legal for a guy who played "fence darts" as a kid to buy an AR-15 on the internet, it's OUT OF THE QUESTION to bring a Kinder Egg into the country. Which is funny because one of my favorite things to do WITH my AR-15 is shoot something called "Tannerite" CAN: Tannerite!
Tannerite is actually a brand name for an "exploding target". Basically fertilizer and aluminum that when mixed with a shot from a rifle makes a huge mess out of anything that happens to be near by. Never heard of it? Check out what it can do to a car. So yeah obviously there are some restrictions that come with this one, but for the most part, and especially here in Utah, it's legal to buy year round, and legal to make ka-blooey noises. You can literally go into a sporting goods store and buy a jar of this stuff for about what it would cost to eat some Taco Bell. You might even get the same results.
You’ll want to make some delicious brownies.
CAN’T: Advil Cold and Sinus.
Alright, so a bit of a stretch. Of course it’s not actually a CAN’T. But thanks to a little thing called meth it’s a serious pain in the ass to get. I have to give the cashier my drivers license, which means I have to take it out of the little window thing in my wallet. I hate doing that… You know what I can buy WITHOUT a drivers license?
Yeah man. The one tool that is almost as synonymous with murder and dismemberment as it is for its intended use. Think about it. Have you ever been chased out of a local haunted house with a box of Sudafed? No. BUT I can go into a Home Depot right now and pay 50 bucks cash for a chainsaw without so much as a “hello” before I’m out dismembering a clown that I have in the trunk of my car. I’m also pretty sure it’s against the law to have a clown in the trunk of your car. I’ll have to check into that.
We’ve been hearing for YEARS now “oh yeah, there’s a new Tool album coming”. Literally, YEARS. Which is almost long enough for me to have played “10,000 Days” from start to finish.
Wait, which one of these is about Prison Sex?
The members of Tool are now opening up and explain that some legal issues have added to the delay, and are mostly to blame for the gap between albums. Maynard and Co. tell the assholes at "Rolling Stone" that for the past seven years, they've been dealing with a series of lawsuits and countersuits. This hullabaloo started when a friend of guitar man Adam Jones wanted credit for artwork he claimed he gave the band. Tool's insurance company then sued the band "over technicalities" in the case, then Tool said “NUH UH” and responded with a countersuit.
Wait, did he call the people from Rolling Stone assholes?
This specific case is set to go to trial in January, but Jones says these legal issues have had an impact on the band members' relationships with each other, and adds that it's "hard to be creative when you have something awful nagging at you."
Still, Tool has found time to work on new material for the follow-up to the band's 2006 effort "10,000 Days." Drummer Danny Carey says they hope to have "something really solid" recorded by the end of the year, but he admits he said the same thing last year.
I suppose we'll wait and see!
What do you do if the radio station breaks?
Radio stations are one of those things that never stop running. We never close, and there is always someone working to keep this sumbitch on the air day and night. Which means at any given time there are about 50 things that could go wrong and knock us in to the dark. Our team of Ninjaneers or the DJ in the studio can fix most things fairly quickly. But every so often something gets messed up and you're neck deep in suck. Which I guess is why I'm often asked "What happens when the radio station breaks?"
Here at the X96, and pretty much every radio station in the country we have all of our music loaded on to a computer. It makes it much easier for the DJ's to find the music they want to play during their show, and it opens up a little bit of time during the day for me to fart around on the internet and look at cat videos and yojoe.com. (or write a blog). But computers suck, and at some point they all break. That's what happened yesterday at 10:14am. Our computer froze and Nuke Em and I were making this face for about 30 seconds.
The obvious solution would be to throw in a CD and reboot! Except we're moving into a new studio this weekend and all of our CD's were boxed up. Not to mention that we stopped using CD's about 12 years ago. The only CD's we HAD in the studio were either for an X-Sets weekend, or for the 90's At Noon, and those had been taken out about a week ago. Luckily the Lorde song we were playing was not cut short by the frozen compy, so we had about 40 seconds to figure out what to do. Nuke Em sprang into action and found one of the half dozen or so boxes containing our woefully outdated music collection and we started partying like it was 1999.
I don't get it...
I'm a little ashamed at how spoiled I've become with the computers. When I first started in radio we didn't even have a computer in the studio. Let alone have one for music. When we did finally put one in, my Program Director at the time, Biff Raff gave us very specific instructions NOT to use it. We didn’t listen of course. But now, we have 4. Only one of which actually controls the music, and it has no back up. Which meant for the next 90 minutes we were flying old school.
Look! We’re DJ’s!
Eventually the system came back, and all was well with the world. It was actually kinda fun, Hopefully the listeners enjoyed the Jon Smith and Todd Nuke ‘Em 90’s party machine while we were making a huge mess and trying not to panic.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
At the same time it was a little sad knowing that since the CD wont be coming with us to our new studio, I may very well have just played the last CD that X96 will have on the air. So for future reference, it was Smashing Pumpkins “Today”
Eddie Vedder is a nutty cat. I mean as far as rockstars go, I suppose he's pretty tame, but as a human being? Come on. Just this past weekend he took time out of his on stage performance to drink wine out of a audience member's shoe. Nutty! Since I don't want to get sued for using copyrighted photos of Senor Vedder. I've put my award winning* MSPAINT skillz to work.
In addition to that, recent Pearl Jam concerts have featured everything from a fan getting a haircut onstage to an impromptu cover of "Let It Go" from the hit Disney movie "Frozen." WHY? What the Hell happend to rock concerts man. You wanna drop 50 bucks to see Pearl Jam cut a dude's hair? How about last week when Channel 2 News' Sterling Poulsen introduced KISS on stage? Don't get me wrong. I love Sterling, but I do NOT want to live in a world where KISS is introduced by a weatherman.
KISS is supposed to be evil! Our news anchors and meteorologists should be warning parents about the dangers of KISS, and how Pearl Jam is sticking it to the man! But no, Pearl Jam is giving away free hair cuts and guessing your weight like the guy at Lagoon. Sigh. I digress. As I mentioned already, the latest from Pearl Jam's road tour of wackiness comes from their show on Saturday in Sweden. Vedder took a swig of wine from a shoe that a fan had thrown on stage. Vedder told the lucky fan he would "do you one better" and then poured the wine, gulped it down, and threw the shoe back as the crowd roared its approval. Im not saying that he should have taken a dump in the shoe, but c'mon!
I'll duece in the shoe once I finish this WICKED SOLO
Pearl Jam drummer Matt Cameron can be seen shaking his head during Vedder's beverage break, but he can't help cracking a smile by the end of it.
Here. You watch and tell me what you think.
It must be really HARD to upset Marilyn Manson. I mean, the guy is ALWAYS sad about something. I'm sure most of it is an act, but when you ACT sad and pissed off all the time, I'm sure it starts to stick. Even so, I bet ol' Mr. Manson was plenty sad this weekend when TWO of his shows were cancelled in Russia. Marilyn "Brain Warner" Manson threw out a tweet saying that Friday's concert in Moscow, which was part of the Park Live Festival, was axed just as the band was about to go onstage because of a bomb threat.
Plus it's not very easy to dance to
On top of that, protests allegedly forced authorities to deny Manson permission to put on a concert in central Russia on Sunday. The protesters were supposedly accusing Manson of promoting sadomasochism. Really? People in Russia are STILL protesting outside rock shows? It was one thing when people protested outside the Delta Center when Nine Inch Nails came to SLC in the 90's. I mean, it was still scary back then. Manson was supposed to open that show and for one reason or another was told he couldn't. But that was 1995! I guess Russia is a little behind on their pop culture.
What is it now that you are talking about, Willis??
Despite the recent setbacks, Manson is set to continue his European tour later this summer. The next leg starts with a show in the Netherlands on August 6th.
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