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Tuesday: The worst new show of the fall season, DADS, debuts tonight—and should be canceled by October, if not sooner. It’s followed by one of the funniest: BROOKLYN NINE-NINE, a new cop comedy starring Andy Samberg and Terry Crews, followed by the season premieres of NEW GIRL and THE MINDY PROJECT (Fox). Season finales: COVERT AFFAIRS, SUITS (USA) and HEROES OF COSPLAY (Syfy). Also, since it’s Tuesday, City Weekly, True TV and Brewvies Cinema Pub (677 South 200 West, 21+) are bringing you SONS OF ANARCHY, free on the movie screen at 8 pm (FX).
Wednesday: SURVIVOR returns for Season 67, followed by the season finale of BIG BROTHER (CBS). In the season finale of AMERICA’S GOT TALENT, ‘Merica crowns another marginal talent you’ll never hear from again (NBC). Also back tonight is TODDLERS & TIARAS (TLC), as well as the even funnier KEY & PEELE (Comedy Central).
Thursday: Nobody, not even NBC, knew it was still on, but THE MILLION SECOND QUIZ finally ends tonight and Ryan Seacrest can return to his shoebox full of money (NBC). Also done-zo tonight: WIPEOUT (ABC).
Friday: Tim Allen’s LAST MAN STANDING, somehow, is back for Season 3, followed by the Season 2 premiere of THE NEIGHBORS, the aliens-in-the-suburbs sitcom that maybe deserves a second chance—but just maybe—and SHARK TANK (ABC). BEST WEEK EVER is also back but deserves no second chance (VH1).
Sunday: Neil Patrick Harris hosts THE 65TH ANNUAL EMMY AWARDS, because he and Hugh Jackman must host all the things (CBS). Bizarro cartoon CHINA IL. returns for Season 2, and I still have no idea what the hell it’s about (Adult Swim). In the season finale of DEVIOUS MAIDS, Consuela from Family Guy joins the cast … I wish (Lifetime). Before the first-season finale of the excellent RAY DONOVAN—catch up on it—DEXTER finally drags himself across the finish line for the series finale that probably should have happened a couple of years ago (Showtime). Come see the second-to-last episode of BREAKING BAD at Brewvies tonight—showtime is 7 pm, but get there early to prep for the mental anxiety (AMC).
Gina Barberi’s maids are too busy sweeping hair and picking up yoga pants to even consider anything devious.